Reflections

Not the song, stupid.

Lately, over the last few months, I feel like things have been changing. I guess it's for a better and for a change I'm not resulting to being a hermit every single weekend of my life, but why did things have to change so late? Before, home used to be this sanctuary and I couldn't stand going to school every day. Now it's all reversed and I just want to be at school from now on. I don't want to go home, I don't want to face the shit over there, I just want to have fun. It's all I want and it's all that's been happening and I don't want it to end. The Disneyland trip with band last weekend was so much fun--nothing really went wrong, except for a bit of drama that I just observed.

I think the way things turned out, I've established myself as both an observer and a scientist. I like seeing action and I want to know what happens, but I don't like taking much part of it. It basically sums up me junior year, only seeing things and hearing things, but never really taking part in it. Noone wanted me to take part in it, so I soon decided I didn't want to either. Now, it's like I have a choice and I can either take things further and make moves to be part of everything or simply stay an observer, but just a little closer to the action. I don't think I've moved that far yet, so I'll stick with watching.

The way things have changed though--it's too close to the end of the school year! Last year was omgnervousbreakdowndepressionsolonely, while this year I'm gradually opening up and not letting myself get eaten up by what people say and what people think. Now (for the most part) I can say what I want and not have to worry about fucking up. I've suddenly become close like I wanted to before, but now it's so late in the year, what point is there? I didn't plan on missing people last year--I just wanted to let go of everything. Now there's hesitation and I don't know if I really want to lose people. It's only in a few months, but everyone's gonna separate soon and I won't be able to see the people I see everyday for too long.

Caring fucking sucks.

Problems

Saying something and doing something's all fine, but if you don't say what you do, then what exactly ARE you doing?

I want to know that if something bad happened, someone somewhere would start worrying. I want someone to congratulate me when I do something good, like having some really big performance in front of a lot of people. I want someone to say "there, there" when I'm feeling down. I need someone who cares.

But as long as I prevent people from really knowing me, how could they possibly get any closer? Although I've changed a bit from the depressing piece of shit I was last year--I talk more now--I'm still silent and blank and apathetic. And then there're the moments when I'm completely different and positive, happy, and not something invisible.

Noone thinks anything's wrong with me--heck it's a lie, people know, but they don't REALLY know.

I want them to know and I want them to care, but nothing's ever gonna happen if I never move. And as long as they don't want to know--and I know they don't--then I see absolutely no point in trying to pretend they care.

If someone makes a move, then I'm willing. But as long as that doesn't happen, I'm never happening.

I think this is what you call a stalemate.

What bothers me

Peppiness. If someone's overly perky, I take them for granted and act weirded out.

Compliments. It's not like I don't mind them, but when there's too many of them, I kinda want to say, okay, I know, can you leave now?

Overbearing parents. They're constantly telling me when to sleep and when I don't sleep on time, they reprimand me. I can't even go out late at night! If I'm not back by eight, then they reprimand me. Oh yeah, they also reprimand me for having too much fun. FFFFFFFgh

Life. Fuck it. I don't want this.

Your skin makes me cry

Creep's stuck on my head.

Uh.

Spoilers

Wouldn't it be great if people had the option to know the entirety of their lives? Become spoiled by an overload of information--the day they die, the day they marry, the day they become rich, etc.

That would be epic.

Because they'd implode before they even decide whether they want to or not.

Resolutions?

Here's what I want.

I want to be thin as fuck.
I want to get as far away from Pinole as possible.
I want to start all over.
I want to liberate my mind.
I want to escape.
I want to get through college applications.
I want to be accepted.
I want to live in London..or maybe Cardiff.
I want to stop overthinking.

So lately

Doctor Who, Doctor Who, Doctor Who.

Straight.

And in between, the acoustic version of "Nobody." And assorted other sad slow songs, blah. I really don't know what to listen to.

"Carmensita" by Devendra Banhart, however, is quite funky.

Looking for some good non-mainstream music.

I wish I could go back in time to prevent my falling from grace.

And wouldn't it be great if the first time you met the one meant for you was the last time they'd ever meet you? That's awesome in so many ways.

No, not a "Time Traveler's Wife" reference.

There are so many wonderful things you can do with time travel.

I think I'll find myself a blue police box.