Lately, over the last few months, I feel like things have been changing. I guess it's for a better and for a change I'm not resulting to being a hermit every single weekend of my life, but why did things have to change so late? Before, home used to be this sanctuary and I couldn't stand going to school every day. Now it's all reversed and I just want to be at school from now on. I don't want to go home, I don't want to face the shit over there, I just want to have fun. It's all I want and it's all that's been happening and I don't want it to end. The Disneyland trip with band last weekend was so much fun--nothing really went wrong, except for a bit of drama that I just observed.
I think the way things turned out, I've established myself as both an observer and a scientist. I like seeing action and I want to know what happens, but I don't like taking much part of it. It basically sums up me junior year, only seeing things and hearing things, but never really taking part in it. Noone wanted me to take part in it, so I soon decided I didn't want to either. Now, it's like I have a choice and I can either take things further and make moves to be part of everything or simply stay an observer, but just a little closer to the action. I don't think I've moved that far yet, so I'll stick with watching.
The way things have changed though--it's too close to the end of the school year! Last year was omgnervousbreakdowndepressionsolonely, while this year I'm gradually opening up and not letting myself get eaten up by what people say and what people think. Now (for the most part) I can say what I want and not have to worry about fucking up. I've suddenly become close like I wanted to before, but now it's so late in the year, what point is there? I didn't plan on missing people last year--I just wanted to let go of everything. Now there's hesitation and I don't know if I really want to lose people. It's only in a few months, but everyone's gonna separate soon and I won't be able to see the people I see everyday for too long.
Caring fucking sucks.
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