Hrm.

I'll start using this so that people who follow me on tumblr aren't aware of my ongoing crises playing out in my head when they do, because that's really what I only do. Even if tumblr's where you can just do whatever you want and it's what you want it to be, it's fun for most people. I don't people to be like, UGH, why does this guy bitch so much? So yeah. No more.

I'm having problems with my best friends. I'm avoiding them. I shouldn't, but I am. And the reason I am is because I feel like they're getting tired of me. I feel like we're deteriorating, slowly falling apart. This is me over-thinking things, but I don't want to be that person who always bitches to them, because they put up with a lot of it. It's better if I don't, but if I don't, I either bitch to another person who'll eventually get tired of me too or use this. But if I use this, absolutely no one will here me and although it's better that way, there's still that desire to have someone hear you out. It's stupid. I just feel like I'm dying out with them. Perhaps if I don't spend enough time without them, everything'll be better and I'll be able to hang out with them normally, like we used to.

I just, don't wanna feel like a burden to them.

Gravity

Held down.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to feel any pain at all, but in order to do that, I'd have to sacrifice my happiness as well. The people who never make mistakes, or feel any loss, are the ones who don't do a thing.

I don't want to have to worry about someone and I don't want to have that someone worry about me.

The easiest thing to is to just ignore people's existence, but it's only easy if you haven't dealt with them.

Speculation

I like thinking about people and wondering how they are. I like wondering what kind of person they are, what's happened to them--of course, I'm not good at it yet, but it's fine to try. The best place to start off with is friends.

I swear, when you're someone overanalytical like me, you tend to look at your friends and make generalizations about them. Not like I'm typecasting them or anything, I just guess at what's eating them. So far, I've been right.

I should be a shrink. I'd be really sadistic though. I'd make fun of my own patients, but I think I'm a pretty blunt person, and honesty's the best policy right?

I don't think I ever wanna be a children's doctor. I'd hurt too many a child's feelings.

It's all good

Content tonight, so no bitching.

(Let's hope this lasts.)

Overkill

It's a song, look it up.

Everytime I try to do homework late night, I never actually do it and end up procrastinating and doing something like...I dunno, playing vegas solitaire until you win?

And while I play, I usually think. And while I usually think, I start to worry. And when I start to worry, I get depressed. Well, maybe not depressed, more like a little to pessimistic.

Somehow I feel like I don't want school to end so soon. I don't want to go to college anymore if I'm just gonna be all alone. I don't want to get mature. I don't want to major in anything. I don't want a job. I don't want to go grow up.

I hate facing problems. I either let other people solve them for me, or simply escape them. But if I never tell anyone about them, how can I ever expect them to do a thing?

I'm a liar who'd rather keep other people satisfied than give himself the dignity of self-satisfaction.

Always labelling myself and giving myself fancy names, but I don't think it's ever true.

Lovely.

I'm feeling quite lonely.

Videogames won't do me much good. I'm not in the best mood to talk either. I don't want to bother anyone.

Reflections

Not the song, stupid.

Lately, over the last few months, I feel like things have been changing. I guess it's for a better and for a change I'm not resulting to being a hermit every single weekend of my life, but why did things have to change so late? Before, home used to be this sanctuary and I couldn't stand going to school every day. Now it's all reversed and I just want to be at school from now on. I don't want to go home, I don't want to face the shit over there, I just want to have fun. It's all I want and it's all that's been happening and I don't want it to end. The Disneyland trip with band last weekend was so much fun--nothing really went wrong, except for a bit of drama that I just observed.

I think the way things turned out, I've established myself as both an observer and a scientist. I like seeing action and I want to know what happens, but I don't like taking much part of it. It basically sums up me junior year, only seeing things and hearing things, but never really taking part in it. Noone wanted me to take part in it, so I soon decided I didn't want to either. Now, it's like I have a choice and I can either take things further and make moves to be part of everything or simply stay an observer, but just a little closer to the action. I don't think I've moved that far yet, so I'll stick with watching.

The way things have changed though--it's too close to the end of the school year! Last year was omgnervousbreakdowndepressionsolonely, while this year I'm gradually opening up and not letting myself get eaten up by what people say and what people think. Now (for the most part) I can say what I want and not have to worry about fucking up. I've suddenly become close like I wanted to before, but now it's so late in the year, what point is there? I didn't plan on missing people last year--I just wanted to let go of everything. Now there's hesitation and I don't know if I really want to lose people. It's only in a few months, but everyone's gonna separate soon and I won't be able to see the people I see everyday for too long.

Caring fucking sucks.

Problems

Saying something and doing something's all fine, but if you don't say what you do, then what exactly ARE you doing?

I want to know that if something bad happened, someone somewhere would start worrying. I want someone to congratulate me when I do something good, like having some really big performance in front of a lot of people. I want someone to say "there, there" when I'm feeling down. I need someone who cares.

But as long as I prevent people from really knowing me, how could they possibly get any closer? Although I've changed a bit from the depressing piece of shit I was last year--I talk more now--I'm still silent and blank and apathetic. And then there're the moments when I'm completely different and positive, happy, and not something invisible.

Noone thinks anything's wrong with me--heck it's a lie, people know, but they don't REALLY know.

I want them to know and I want them to care, but nothing's ever gonna happen if I never move. And as long as they don't want to know--and I know they don't--then I see absolutely no point in trying to pretend they care.

If someone makes a move, then I'm willing. But as long as that doesn't happen, I'm never happening.

I think this is what you call a stalemate.

What bothers me

Peppiness. If someone's overly perky, I take them for granted and act weirded out.

Compliments. It's not like I don't mind them, but when there's too many of them, I kinda want to say, okay, I know, can you leave now?

Overbearing parents. They're constantly telling me when to sleep and when I don't sleep on time, they reprimand me. I can't even go out late at night! If I'm not back by eight, then they reprimand me. Oh yeah, they also reprimand me for having too much fun. FFFFFFFgh

Life. Fuck it. I don't want this.

Your skin makes me cry

Creep's stuck on my head.

Uh.

Spoilers

Wouldn't it be great if people had the option to know the entirety of their lives? Become spoiled by an overload of information--the day they die, the day they marry, the day they become rich, etc.

That would be epic.

Because they'd implode before they even decide whether they want to or not.