Speculation

I like thinking about people and wondering how they are. I like wondering what kind of person they are, what's happened to them--of course, I'm not good at it yet, but it's fine to try. The best place to start off with is friends.

I swear, when you're someone overanalytical like me, you tend to look at your friends and make generalizations about them. Not like I'm typecasting them or anything, I just guess at what's eating them. So far, I've been right.

I should be a shrink. I'd be really sadistic though. I'd make fun of my own patients, but I think I'm a pretty blunt person, and honesty's the best policy right?

I don't think I ever wanna be a children's doctor. I'd hurt too many a child's feelings.

It's all good

Content tonight, so no bitching.

(Let's hope this lasts.)

Overkill

It's a song, look it up.

Everytime I try to do homework late night, I never actually do it and end up procrastinating and doing something like...I dunno, playing vegas solitaire until you win?

And while I play, I usually think. And while I usually think, I start to worry. And when I start to worry, I get depressed. Well, maybe not depressed, more like a little to pessimistic.

Somehow I feel like I don't want school to end so soon. I don't want to go to college anymore if I'm just gonna be all alone. I don't want to get mature. I don't want to major in anything. I don't want a job. I don't want to go grow up.

I hate facing problems. I either let other people solve them for me, or simply escape them. But if I never tell anyone about them, how can I ever expect them to do a thing?

I'm a liar who'd rather keep other people satisfied than give himself the dignity of self-satisfaction.

Always labelling myself and giving myself fancy names, but I don't think it's ever true.

Lovely.

I'm feeling quite lonely.

Videogames won't do me much good. I'm not in the best mood to talk either. I don't want to bother anyone.

Reflections

Not the song, stupid.

Lately, over the last few months, I feel like things have been changing. I guess it's for a better and for a change I'm not resulting to being a hermit every single weekend of my life, but why did things have to change so late? Before, home used to be this sanctuary and I couldn't stand going to school every day. Now it's all reversed and I just want to be at school from now on. I don't want to go home, I don't want to face the shit over there, I just want to have fun. It's all I want and it's all that's been happening and I don't want it to end. The Disneyland trip with band last weekend was so much fun--nothing really went wrong, except for a bit of drama that I just observed.

I think the way things turned out, I've established myself as both an observer and a scientist. I like seeing action and I want to know what happens, but I don't like taking much part of it. It basically sums up me junior year, only seeing things and hearing things, but never really taking part in it. Noone wanted me to take part in it, so I soon decided I didn't want to either. Now, it's like I have a choice and I can either take things further and make moves to be part of everything or simply stay an observer, but just a little closer to the action. I don't think I've moved that far yet, so I'll stick with watching.

The way things have changed though--it's too close to the end of the school year! Last year was omgnervousbreakdowndepressionsolonely, while this year I'm gradually opening up and not letting myself get eaten up by what people say and what people think. Now (for the most part) I can say what I want and not have to worry about fucking up. I've suddenly become close like I wanted to before, but now it's so late in the year, what point is there? I didn't plan on missing people last year--I just wanted to let go of everything. Now there's hesitation and I don't know if I really want to lose people. It's only in a few months, but everyone's gonna separate soon and I won't be able to see the people I see everyday for too long.

Caring fucking sucks.